i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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