How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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