yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
