if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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