so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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