morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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