Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
