I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
