there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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