My friends, they love my intelligence
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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