I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
