Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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