I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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