my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
