You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
