I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
You ruined the universe
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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