it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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