i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
