its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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