Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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