i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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