Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize