Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
