Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
