i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
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