I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
