Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
