oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I need to align my fucking chakras
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
