If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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