If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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