wrigley field is MILF paradise
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize