so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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