I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I have tasted many bathrooms
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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