So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
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