Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
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