Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
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