I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
