Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
