I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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