Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
