If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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