i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
