we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
