I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
