i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Oh god it's open bar.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
