the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
