i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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