i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
