I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize