Screwed.edu
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
