the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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