I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
