So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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