What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize