I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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