Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
