I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Everything about him screamed your future.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
