Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
