I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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