I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
