bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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