it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
