My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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