I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
