I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
