Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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