i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
