spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
