if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
