did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Randomize
