You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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