i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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